


Keep Going

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Again really sorry for this one, Cancer, Death, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:23:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4988269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron is ill. Very ill. And Robert is trying to cope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Going

“Are you alright?"  
Robert hated those words. He had to clench his jaw to keep from telling the asker to piss off. He wasn't okay. He would never be okay and it should've been obvious. Everyone else was grateful for the question; they'd smile gently and thank the person for their concern. Robert hated it. It had been two months since it happened and they were still asking him. Still asking if he should be drinking at that time of day, asking if he should be going back to work. Always asking questions until he snapped. It was eventually David that he snapped at. Slamming his hand down on the bar and shouting at him until Diane rushed round and pulled him into the back,  
"Sit."  
Robert was pacing the room,  
"He should learn to keep his nose out of it. How DARE he tell me what Aaron would want. He doesn't know ANYTHING."  
Diane pulled him in for a hug; holding him tightly until he calmed down,  
"He didn't mean anything by it. He didn't."  
Robert gripped her tightly and closed his eyes,  
"I can't do this anymore."  
She pulled away and cupped his face,  
"Yes you can. You can."  
Robert shook his head; blinking tears down his cheeks,  
"I can't...not without him I can't do this."  
He shook his head,  
"I just want him back. I want my Aaron back."  
Diane gasped slightly before pulling him down for another hug; holding him tightly as he cried.

It started with the headaches. Three weeks after they got engaged, Aaron woke up in the middle of the night with a headache so intense he almost threw up. They continued for several days until Robert dragged him to the doctors.  
"I'm afraid we've found a mass."  
That was it. From that moment on it was nearly a year of hospital appointments and chemotherapy. Surgery was ruled out as soon as they found out where the tumour was located. Aaron was growing tired; he was trying to hold it together but at night when he was lying in bed with Robert's arms around him he would give in to the tears. He cried himself to sleep most nights; whether because of fear. Or just sheer exhaustion. Robert was there. 24 hours beside him. Holding him; helping him. Chas wanted Aaron to move back into the pub but he refused; wanting to be at home with his own things.

It was November that they sat Aaron down and told him that the treatment wasn't working. They had to discuss end of life care and whether Aaron would want to be in a hospice or not. Aaron was adamant that he wanted to be at home. He wanted to be where he knew. They brought him home and set him up in his room. Chas moved in shortly after to help and be there when it happened.  
"Guess I'm not seeing Christmas this year then."  
He said it with a weak smile and Robert gripped his hands,  
"Yes you will. You will. And you'll see the Christmas after that as well."  
Aaron chuckled,  
"Think you expecting a bit too much of me there."  
Robert smiled at him,  
"Expecting too much of you?"  
He put a hand against Aaron's cheek and stroked it with his thumb; mindful of the cannula in his nose,  
"Impossible."  
Aaron nodded and leant into the touch,  
"I'm gonna miss your hands."  
Robert looked away and shook his head,  
"Don't say things like that yeah?"  
Aaron took a deep breath and looked at him,  
"I have to. I have to think these things."  
Robert looked at him,  
"Aaron..."  
Aaron closed his eyes,  
"This sucks."  
Robert let out a laugh,  
"Yeah. Yeah that's one way to put it."  
Aaron smiled and opened his eyes.  
"I'm so tired."  
Robert nodded and stood up,  
"Come on then."  
He leant down and kissed Aaron's head before pushing his chair into the bedroom and helping him into bed. He lay beside him; wrapping an arm around him and running his fingers through his hair as he fell asleep.

Chas sent Robert to the living room to get some sleep as she sat with Aaron. He watched TV for a few minutes before turning to his mum,  
"I've been thinking. About Jackson. A lot actually."  
Chas squeezed his hand,  
"Yeah?"  
Aaron nodded and scoffed slightly,  
"I am...so angry at him."  
Chas was surprised and squeezed his hand again,  
"You are?"  
He looked at her; his eyes brimming with tears,  
"He was alive. He made a choice to not be and...And I'm not. I don't get a choice. I can't make this choice."  
He blinked tears down his cheeks,  
"I...would give...anything to be able to stay alive. I would stay in that stupid chair for the rest of my life if it meant I could still be here and he just...he opted out and I am...so angry."  
He looked away and wiped his cheeks before looking back,  
"Mum you have to promise me something."  
Chas sniffed as her own tears spilled down her face,  
"Anything love. Anything."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Take care of him? Don't abandon him. Please...please don't leave him to cope alone."  
Chas looked away,  
"Aaron don't-"  
"Mum please. I'm not gonna be here. Okay? I need you. I need you to do this."  
He gasped,  
"I-I don't get to marry him. I don't get to see him as a dad. I don't get to grow old with him."  
His voice cracked and he had to stop,  
"I don't have time to spend with him and...I know he acts cocky and-and he acts like he doesn't need anyone but he does. He does and I need you to promise me. Please."  
Chas nodded; leaning over to wipe his tears away,  
"I promise."  
Aaron nodded and covered her hand with his,  
"Thank you."  
She stroked his cheek gently as he fell asleep; waiting for him to be out before giving in to her sobs.

Robert ran his fingers up Aaron's shoulder and over to his throat where he pressed two just under his jaw; breathing a sigh of relief when he felt the beating of his heart,  
"I'm still here."  
Robert smiled at him,  
"Just checking."  
Aaron opened his eyes and looked at him,  
"I love you."  
Robert pushed his hand through his hair,  
"I love you too."  
Aaron shifted in the bed,  
"You alright?"  
Aaron nodded and rested his head against Robert,  
"Yeah."  
Robert kissed his head,  
"Your mum had to nip out for a bit okay? So you're stuck with me."  
Aaron put his arm over Robert's stomach and closed his eyes,  
"I had a dream about you."  
Robert smiled and ran his fingers over Aaron's arm,  
"Yeah?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"We were dancing."  
Robert grinned,  
"Dancing?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"Our first dance. Guess we don't get one now."  
Robert looked at him,  
"Who says?"  
Aaron frowned,  
"Well we we're not getting married are we?"  
Robert looked around,  
"How you feeling right now?"  
Aaron shrugged,  
"Good as ever I guess?"  
Robert nodded and climbed from the bed,  
"Two minutes."  
He left the room then returned; walking around to help Aaron from the bed,  
"Come on."  
He scooped Aaron up and carried him into the living room; not wanting to focus on how light he was. He set Aaron on his feet and helped him adjust his oxygen tubes,  
"Okay?"  
Aaron nodded and looked around at the room now filled with candle light.  
"Right..."  
Robert clicked play on the stereo and took Aaron's hand,  
"Can I have this dance?"  
Aaron gripped his hand and put his other arm over his shoulder. They began dancing slowly with Aaron's head against Robert's chest. Robert closed his eyes and rested his chin on Aaron's head as he gripped him tightly,  
"I don't want to go."  
Robert scrunched his eyes shut to keep from crying as they kept dancing; eventually just swaying as Aaron held on to Robert. Neither noticed Chas watching them from the doorway.

Two days later he was rushed into hospital and returned home with a feeding tube inserted and a warning that he wouldn't make it much longer. He couldn't stay awake for very long and was now confined to the bed. Robert was trying to keep him smiling, keep him happy when all he wanted to do was break down and scream. He would stay awake all night holding him to make sure he would wake up the following morning.  
"I want to make it. To Christmas."  
Robert nodded and kissed his head before wrapping the blanket more tightly around him.  
"You will. I promise."  
Aaron smiled gently and fell asleep again. Chas had to leave. She couldn't bear it anymore. She spent the days sitting at his bedside; leaving only to give him and Robert time alone. They didn't really talk unless it was about Aaron. Not that they had much else to talk about. Chas would watch him; would watch how he took care of her son, how he would run his fingers through what little hair Aaron had left to help him sleep; how he would stay awake all night to make sure Aaron was alright. He'd sit and watch the nurse carefully when she changed Aaron's tubes so he could do it if he needed to. He'd then sit hold Aaron when he got frustrated because he couldn't move thanks to those tubes. He never went away. Whenever she'd ask if he wanted some time alone he'd shake his head and stroke Aaron's cheek,  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
She started to see him in a different way, she could see how much he loved Aaron and it calmed her.

It started to get worse two weeks before Christmas. Aaron woke up and had no idea where he was. He was panicking so much they had to call the nurse in. After giving him something to help him sleep she explained to the distressed Robert and Chas that the tumour was causing memory loss. It was a sign that he was close now. Chas went back into the bedroom and sat with Aaron while Robert discussed how they would proceed with the nurse. They talked for nearly an hour then Robert stood in the doorway and watched as Chas held Aaron's hand and talked to him quietly. He left them alone and sat in the living room; looking around for a moment before gasping. He covered his mouth with his hand as the sobs that he'd been keeping in bubbled up. He stood up and rubbed his face as he tried to calm down. Finding himself unable to he slid down the wall and held his head in his hands as he cried. He didn't hear Chas walk in; didn't even realise she was in the room until she put her arms around him and held him close.  
"I'm sorry...ugh...goddamn it. I'm sorry."  
Chas shook her head,  
"You're okay."  
She held him tightly,  
"You're okay."

"Robert?"  
Aaron reached for the man, who smiled,  
"It's Adam mate."  
Aaron frowned,  
"Oh...yeah. Sorry."  
Adam smiled at him,  
"It's alright. Robert just went to call the nurse remember?"  
Aaron looked over to the seat where Robert had been sitting,  
"Oh yeah. Sorry."  
Adam grinned at him,  
"Don't be sorry."  
Aaron shifted slightly and looked at him,  
"Guess you're gonna rule the roost at the scrapyard now."  
Adam chuckled,  
"Let's not act like you were ever in charge."  
Aaron smiled then looked around,  
"Where did Robert go? Is he home?"  
Adam couldn't help it; his smile vanished and he grabbed Aaron's hand,  
"He's in the other room. Remember?"  
Aaron frowned then nodded,  
"Yeah."  
"You want me to get him?"  
Aaron glanced around,  
"Get who?"  
Adam swallowed,  
"Robert?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"Is he in?"  
Adam glanced up at the doorway,  
"Yeah...yeah he is mate."  
Aaron nodded and closed his eyes,  
"You're a good friend Adam."  
Adam smiled sadly,  
"I'm the best friend."  
Aaron smiled and nodded,  
"Yeah...yeah."  
He fell asleep and Adam rubbed his face; his eyes brimming with tears. He stood up and walked into the kitchen where Robert was on the phone,  
"Hold on."  
He lowered the phone,  
"Is he alright? What's wrong?"  
"He keeps forgetting where you are. He's asking for you mate."  
Robert nodded and lifted the phone again,  
"I'm gonna call you back Sue okay? Or I'll see you tonight. Yeah I will do...okay...bye."  
He hung up and put the phone on the table; gripping the edge for a moment,  
"You okay mate?"  
He looked over to Adam,  
"Yeah...yeah I'm fine. Listen...thanks. For coming."  
Adam nodded,  
"He's my mate...he's my best mate."  
Robert nodded,  
"Come whenever you want yeah?"  
Adam nodded and glanced around toward Aaron's room,  
"Have they said? How long?"  
Robert looked at him for a moment and shook his head,  
"To be honest I'm living this an hour at a time."  
Adam looked around at him,  
"He really loves you."  
Robert cleared his throat,  
"Yeah...well...feelings mutual."  
Adam smiled briefly and nodded before walking over and pulling Robert into a hug,  
"We're here okay? Any time."  
Robert nodded and pulled away,  
"Thanks...I'm gonna check on him. You uh...help yourself to a drink or whatever."  
He left the kitchen and took a breath before walking into the room. He watched Aaron sleep for a few moments before walking over and sitting beside him on the bed. Aaron shifted and opened his eyes,  
"Hey you."  
Aaron looked at him,  
"I was waiting up for you. Was work alright?"  
Robert smiled at him and leant down to kiss his head,  
"Work was fine."  
Aaron nodded and closed his eyes again as Robert held him.

"Rob?"  
Robert looked up and smiled at Aaron,  
"Hey. You alright?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"I need to talk to you."  
He glanced over to where Chas was fast asleep on the chair then back at Robert,  
"What's up?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"I'm scared."  
Robert immediately moved closer; taking Aaron's hand in his,  
"Of what?"  
Aaron swallowed,  
"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna leave you."  
Robert climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around the frail man,  
"I know...I know you don't."  
"It's not fair."  
Robert took a deep breath,  
"No. No it's not."  
Aaron looked at him,  
"Tell me it's gonna be alright."  
Robert cupped his face gently,  
"You're gonna be alright. I promise."  
Aaron nodded,  
"I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the wedding."  
Robert smiled gently,  
"We can postpone for a bit. Promise you'll wait for me?"  
Aaron smiled,  
"I promise."  
He closed his eyes for a moment,  
"It'll be Christmas."  
Robert nodded,  
"Yeah it will."  
He opened his eyes,  
"Kiss me."  
Robert leant down and pressed his lips against Aaron's. He pulled away slowly and looked into his eyes,  
"Thank you for loving me."  
Robert shook his head as his eyes blurred,  
"Don't..."  
Aaron swallowed,  
"Please...let me."  
He blinked and stroked Aaron's cheek with his thumb,  
"Th-thank you for making these last three years so amazing. I love...you so much. It's the hardest thing you know...about all this. That I have to leave you. I don't want to leave-leave you."  
Robert pushed their heads together,  
"Shhh....please."  
Aaron gripped his arm as tightly as he could,  
"I wouldn't do it any different. Nothing. Because I wouldn't have you."  
Robert met his eye,  
"You have me. Forever. You-look."  
He lifted Aaron's hand and entwined their fingers,  
"It fits. And that won't change. You're mine. My Aaron. My beautiful Aaron."  
Aaron smiled weakly and lay back,  
"I love you...Robert Sugden."  
Robert smiled and kissed his hand,  
"And I love you. Aaron Livesy."  
Aaron glanced over to his mum again,  
"Don't tell her I'm scared. She'll only worry."  
Robert smiled,  
"It's our little secret."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Will you stay? Till I wake up?"  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
Aaron nodded and closed his eyes again; Robert shifted down the bed and rested his head on Aaron's chest so he could listen to his heart beating.

"He's not going to make it much longer."  
Robert looked up at the nurse,  
"What do you mean by not much longer?"  
The nurse checked Aaron's oxygen,  
"I'd say a day...maybe two. The fact that he's held on this long is...he has a lot of fight."  
Chas nodded and squeezed Aaron's hand,  
"Yeah he does."  
"He hasn't been conscious?"  
Robert shook his head,  
"No. Not for about a day now."  
The nurse nodded and put her hand on Robert's shoulder,  
"It won't be long now. If you want to get people here then I suggest you start calling them."  
They both nodded and turned back to Aaron as he slept.  
"I should call...someone. I should do something."  
Chas looked at Robert,  
"You're doing everything you should be."  
Robert nodded and leant forward to place his hand against Aaron's cheek,  
"Chas I'm not ready."  
Chas gripped Aaron's hand,  
"None of us are."  
She smiled at him briefly and carried on watching Aaron.

Aaron opened his eyes and looked over at Chas,  
"Hi baby."  
"Mum."  
She smiled and stroked his cheek,  
"I'm here."  
He smiled weakly and looked over to Robert,  
"Hi."  
Robert leant over and took his hand,  
"Hey you...thought you'd sleep all day."  
Aaron closed his eyes then opened them again,  
"Did I make it? Is it Christmas?"  
Robert glanced at Chas then back at Aaron,  
"Yeah you made it. You made it."  
Aaron smiled gently,  
"Was it good?"  
Robert bit his lip,  
"It was the best."  
Aaron nodded and looked over at Chas,  
"Merry Christmas Mum."  
Chas stroked his cheek and leant in to kiss his shoulder,  
"Merry Christmas son."  
He chuckled breathlessly,  
"You might...have to pull the cracker on your own I'm feeling a bit...weak."  
Chas smiled at him,  
"You did great."  
Aaron smiled,  
"Life of the party, me."  
Chas had to bite her lip to keep from sobbing as she nodded,  
"I love you Aaron."  
Aaron smirked,  
"You're so soppy."  
Chas let out a laugh and Aaron smirked,  
"Love you too."  
She kissed his cheek and gripped his hand as he turned his head to Robert,  
"Rob?"  
Robert leant in,  
"Yeah?"  
Aaron smiled weakly,  
"I'm not afraid anymore."  
Robert stroked his cheek gently,  
"You don't need to be. Everything's gonna be okay. Okay?"  
Aaron smiled gently,  
"I love you."  
Robert leant in and kissed his lips gently,  
"Love you more."  
Aaron gasped for breath and Robert cupped his face,  
"Shh shh shh shh it's okay. It's okay."  
Aaron opened his eyes wide and looked at Robert,  
"You're the best decision I've ever made."  
Robert smiled at him,  
"All down to you was it?"  
He looked at Aaron and frowned,  
"Aaron?"  
He glanced at Chas and cupped Aaron's face,  
"Aaron? Aaron Aaron Aaron."  
He climbed onto the bed as Chas started to sob,  
"Aaron come on. Aaron talk to me."  
He cupped Aaron's face and shook his head,  
"No...No please. Please not yet. No."  
He pulled Aaron in and held him against himself,  
"NO."  
He heard the door open but didn't hear anything else as he sobbed; rocking back and forth as he held Aaron tightly.

"He's gone Robert."  
Robert shook his head,  
"No."  
Paddy tried to reach for him,  
"DON'T touch him."  
Chas was inconsolable in the other room and Robert could hear him,  
"Robert he's gone."  
Robert shook his head,  
"No...No he's warm."  
He looked at Paddy,  
"He's still warm."  
Diane's voice made him turn,  
"He's not warm anymore, Robert it's you, you're keeping him like that. You have to let him go. You have to let the doctors in."  
Robert buried his face into Aaron's neck,  
"I can't."  
Diane walked over and nodded to Paddy as she moved Robert from Aaron and held him as he started screaming.

Robert hated being asked if he was alright. He wasn't alright. He was so used to not being alright that he couldn't remember what it used to be like when he was. It wasn't until nearly two years after Aaron's death that it changed. He was standing watching Adam play with his and Victoria's daughter when he felt like someone was watching him. He looked around and saw the empty garden behind him. He frowned and breathed out a laugh before shaking his head and looked back,  
"You okay Rob?"  
He looked at Victoria and smiled,  
"Yeah. Yeah I'm okay."  
He watched them again for a moment before walking over to join in.

**Author's Note:**

> I am really sorry. This bummed me out. Just...I promise the next one will be happier. I don't know if this is any good and I feel the ending is a bad but I tried. I really did!


End file.
